7 Reasons to Never Eat Quinoa: The Supergrain of Future's Past

photo by:  net_efekt

photo by: net_efekt

Sarcasm is a form of humor not for the faint of heart.

1 - It's super trendy

If something is popular, I don't want it, plain and simple. If people are talking about it or telling their friends at yoga they, "just have to try it." I'm suspicious. Ever heard of the the Tulip Mania? Yeah the madness of crowds is very real. Clearly the masses aren't exactly informed when making decisions. Think about the last time someone used the words "mob mentality" to describe logical, clear, and rational thinking. Can't think of a time? Exactly. 

The United Nations declared 2013 the International Year of Quinoa. Yuck, I never want to eat quinoa again.

2 - It's a superfood

Enter the superfood comment. Trendy in it's own right, I refuse to eat anything labeled as a superfood. I don't want to say I'm an expert in things super related, but I've seen 12 out of the last 15 movies based on Marvel Comics. One big takeaway, super heroes are usually the output of experiments or genetic disastrous gone horribly wrong.

If you want to eat a food that mutated after nuclear waste or rogue scientists over stepped their boundaries and things escalated beyond their control, that's your business. I'll eat my regular food, and sleep well at night knowing that an evil villain won't come looking for me and my pantry full of super foods.

3 - People get mad at you when you don't pronounce it correctly

Yes, I'll have an order of the lemon chicken and a "key-know-ah"...citrus salad.

Channel your inner mean girl drinking a kale smoothie before you read this, "It's actually pronounced (KEEN-wah)...It's kind of like a superfood. Have you been living under a rock or something?"

Oh I'm sorry. Pardon me for not following beetches-R-us on twitter and missing the latest updates on how to pronounce weird foods. The average native English speaker knows about 20,000 words, you know about 20. Maybe you should spend a little less time researching diets that make you look sick and focus on creating sentences without the words like, kinda, totally, ugh, love ya, later, kisses, bye, or bitch.

4 - It's gluten free

People don't want gluten and are running from it like it's the plague. I'm not exactly sure what gluten is, but I know I want it... Oh it's wheat protein. Sounds terrifying. 

5 - The Incas ate it

Ever so often I hear people rave about how the Incas ate this ancient grain thousands of years ago. Humans have been around for hundreds of thousands of years, I'm sure we've eaten all kinds of weird stuff along the way. My grandma used to eat a lot of Spam. You don't see me running around telling all my friends about the secret canned meat product that's been passed down through my family for generations. 

photo by:  Ken Bosma

photo by: Ken Bosma

6 - It's a complete protein

I like my proteins like I like my ex-boyfriends, broken and in need of repair. Nobody likes a show off, we get it Quinoa you've got all the essential amino acids. Big deal. Protein gives me the farts anyway. Letting a few mid afternoon squeaks slip while I'm walking past the accounting department at work, that's not a good look. 

7 - It's high in fiber

Again, as much fun as it is to spend half my day in the lady's room dropping the kids off at the water slide, I'd rather not. If I wanted fiber and all the consequences that came along with it, I'd go my Aunt's house and take down a tray of bran muffins with afternoon tea. 


All jokes aside, the increase in demand for this dietary staple over the last few years has priced local people out of their own product. I'm not one to get in the way of supply and demand but it does play on your morals a little.

This crop is grown in the regions of the Andes mountain due to it's resilience of changing growing conditions and climates. It also contains the proper amounts of all three macro nutrients to sustain a human diet, which makes it an important part of Bolivian and Peruvian life. When poor and less than fortunate locals can't buy their own staple crop because farmers are selling it and exporting it at prices above what they can afford, it really makes you think.